The last 2 weeks have been pretty rough for me. Jon and I have been on the journey of adopting a child. We have really felt like our time is now and God has made a way for us. We have been in the midst of filling out paperwork and fundraisers for almost a year now. We have been so blessed by all the support along the way.
As October came, we realized that we had not heard from our agency in awhile, but my take was, they will call or email if they have an opportunity. I didn’t really care to hear or read, “we don’t have any for you right now, sorry!”. We do not get real excited, at least anticipate, when our profile is presented to birth moms.
Well, last Monday I got a call from a friend that is a lawyer here in Waterloo and she said they had a mom who was due October 18th and if we are interested, it is ours to turn down. I hung up the phone and went into scurry mode. We put money towards it and got excited. However, our hearts are pretty guarded and at arms length of total excitement. We have been through disappointment before, and we don’t really enjoy it.
To make a long story short, within 24 hours, that opportunity was no longer an option for us. It was a heartbreaker for us, and the day before we were on our way to AZ for a fundraiser. I was ready to call it quits and give up. I am tired of hearing, its all part of God’s plan and it will happen soon. I just felt like I didn’t want it to be part of my plan at all anymore. I didn’t really believe that, but it’s easier for me to say that and keep walking on without more explanation. I feel sad when I see moms holding their child, pregnant with their future child, or just being a mom. I just want that to be me, and the more days that go by, the more bleak my hope is that it is going to happen.
The thing that I want more than anything right now is to be a mom. I have started to face the fact that just because I want this and pray for this daily, does not mean that God wants this for me right now. It is difficult to understand why and how come and say it’s not fair, but as I sang the words, “I’ll stand with arms high and heart abandoned, in awe of the One who gave it all” it was evident to me that I have to repeatedly surrender MYSELF to Him. It does not matter what I want, but what God wants to do with and through me. I struggle with this, and wish I was there, but I am not. My prayer is that it will be less about ME ,and more about Him as we continue on the journey.